Then Jacob became scared. Jacob had never really forgotten how he had wronged his twin brother. That he had swindled Easu out of his birthright for a measly bowl of stew. That with his mother Rebekah’s help he later deceived his father, elderly blind Isaac into giving him Esau’s blessing as well. Deep down Jacob remembered the way he left his home, in fear for his life with his brother’s raging curses and death threats ringing in his ears. But after 20 years he had hoped that Esau calmed down maybe even forgotten all that and would welcome him home. But now, Jacob wasn’t so sure. Now, as he was heading home, Jacob was finally facing the reality of the mess he had made of his life. Now Jacob prayed to God. “Save me from the violence of my brother, my angry brother! I’m afraid he’ll come and attack us all.”
Jacob probably slept rather fitfully that night, wondering how he could pacify Esau. In the morning he sent his livestock, herd by herd to Esau, hoping that these generous gifts would appease his brother.
But Jacob was still scared, still uneasy in his spirit. He couldn’t sleep. So, in the night he got everyone out of bed, made them pack up and sent them across the river. Imagine the noise and the chaos this created. This was only an outward sign of the distress and chaos that Jacob felt inside. Finally, he was all alone, with no one to distract him, no reason to keep his cool and pretend that all was well. Jacob was no longer running away, he was facing home, facing the troubles he had created, facing himself. And he began to wrestle with God.
Many Christians find themselves in this place where Jacob was; this place of darkness and struggle. This place where it seems that our lives are in danger, things aren’t going as we planned, and we are full of fear and dread. Spanish Christian St. John of the Cross, who lived in the 1500s calls that place the Dark Night of the Soul; a time when we are touched with God’s pure light. John writes, “When this pure light strikes in order to expel all impurity, persons feel so unclean and wretched that it seems God is against them and they are against God. Because it seems that God has rejected them, these souls suffer such pain and grief that [like Job we say], ‘Why have you set me against you, and I am heavy and burdensome to myself.’ Clearly beholding its impurity by means of this pure light, although in darkness, the soul understands distinctly that it is worthy neither of God nor of any creature. And what most grieves it is that it thinks it will never be worthy, and that there are no more blessings for it. This divine and dark light causes deep immersion of the mind in the knowledge and feeling of one’s own miseries and evils; it brings all these miseries into relief so that the soul sees clearly that of itself it will never possess anything else.”
Surely this is what Jacob was thinking and feeling as he struggled in the middle of the night. Surely he had already learned that God’s blessing could not be swindled, or stolen, or in any way forcibly taken, and that by his very own sinful actions, he was not worthy to receive anything but death. If Esau killed him, well, he deserved it.
When we truly encounter the living God, and blink into God’s bright countenance, we cannot help but notice our own sinful nature and be ashamed. I truly believe this is why so many people, even those who are part of a church, do not have a close relationship with the Lord, why they let others pray for them, or they avoid talking about God all together.
Sometimes, when we are only half open to a relationship to God, God sends us angel messengers to help us along. We look for someone to give us some good news, or help us feel better for a time. But for real healing and transformation from our sinful nature to a life of holiness no angel will suffice. We must dare to encounter the living God. St. John writes words that could easily be Jacob’s, “Ah, who has the power to heal me? Now wholly surrender yourself! Do not send me any more messengers, they cannot tell me what I must hear.”
The story of Jacob is here to testify, and all of us who have been through our own dark nights of the soul can also testify, that there is no way to experience the true blessings of relationship with God without entering into a dark night of the soul. If we want the blessings God has in store for us, we must first come face to face with ourselves, and face the ways in which we have sinned, the ways in which we have blocked, diverted or ignored God’s will for our lives. Only when we come face to face with our true selves, in the strong embrace of our Beloved, are we ever close enough to God to receive the true transformational blessings God has been waiting to give to us all along.
This dark night, though frightening and even feels like death, is not something to avoid in this life. It is a holy encounter! The dark night is when God gathers us in and embraces us and brings us into the true morning of resurrection life. I can say this because I’ve been there. Sometimes my dark nights have lasted for days; sometimes they have lasted for years. But always I have experienced the purification and loving embrace of the Beloved. It is in the dark night that we become united with God. St. John writes of this as well
There he gave me his breast
There he taught me a sweet and living knowledge
And I gave myself to him
Keeping nothing back
There I promised to be his.
The time of wrestling with God is a precious time that helps us first to be reconciled with the One who made us, the One who walks beside us, and the One who died and rose again for our sakes. But it also blesses us by enabling us to reconcile with one another. For when Jacob finished wrestling with God, received his blessing and his new name, he was ready to meet Esau and be reconciled to him as well. As we prepare for holy communion this day, let us use our time of confession to expose the darkness of our souls to God’s purifying light. Let us wrestle if we must, with our sinful nature as we come close to the living God. And may we receive our own transformational blessings this day and in the days to come.
The next time you find your soul entering a dark night remember God is calling you to come close, as close as it takes to wrestle with God. Wrestle all night long if you must. And like Jacob, don’t let go of God, even when it hurts. Remember, Jacob held on even when his hip was put out of joint. This was a sign that God had changed Jacob and blessed him. When you wrestle with God and don’t let go you can trust that you will receive a blessing. Jacob came out of this night a new person, a changed man with a new name, and you will too.
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